A Parenting Lesson from Ellis Marsalis, Jr.

I’ve been going through Ground Control Parenting archives recently and ran across this great parenting story about a father and his son, which I posted on the blog over a decade ago.  The father was the great jazz pianist Ellis Marsalis, Jr., and the story was told by his son Wynton.  Four years ago this week we lost Ellis Marsalis, Jr., and with great respect for his parenting as well as his musical talent, I retell the story below. 

Last night I had the incredible pleasure of sitting at a friend’s small dinner party for Jazz at Lincoln Center and listening to Wynton Marsalis jam with his quintet in her living room. As Wynton introduced their final piece, “Take the A Train”,  he mentioned that he had the opportunity to meet Duke Ellington back in 1971, when he was 10, and didn’t take it.  Ellington was in New Orleans performing and Wynton’s father, jazz great Ellis Marsalis, Jr., offered to take Wynton to meet the world famous musician and hear him play. “I had the opportunity”, Wynton told us, “but I decided to stay home instead to watch the Oakland Raiders game on TV.” His father did not pressure Wynton, who at 10 was already an accomplished musician, and went to hang with Ellington without his son.

While bobbing my head and tapping my feet to the wonderful music, I couldn’t stop thinking about Wynton’s intro.  What a great parenting story!  I have to believe that Ellis Marsalis was surprised and disappointed that his son was choosing to watch a football game over the chance to meet and hear a musical legend.  But he didn’t force Wynton to go, or try to make him feel badly about not wanting to go. He allowed his son to make the decision and accept the consequences of his actions.  A pretty good lesson, since Wynton is still telling the story some 40 plus years later.

Many parents, myself included, would have made that child come with us, determined that they not miss this opportunity. But truth be told, while we would tell ourselves that we were doing it for their own good, this effort would be as much for ourselves–so that we could feel good about giving them every opportunity we can.  Ellis Marsalis recognized that the opportunity would only be valuable to Wynton if Wynton wanted it. He gave him the freedom to make a decision and resisted the temptation to tell him it was not a great one. Impressive parenting. 

There is another lesson in this story: Have patience and faith when your child turns down an opportunity to do something you think would be great for them.   After all, who would have thought that a budding musician who chose to watch football over hanging with Duke Ellington would grow up to be a Pulitzer Prize and National Medal of Arts winning, globally heralded and revered jazz musician, composer, bandleader, and an international ambassador of American culture?

Well done.  Thanks, Ellis Marsalis, Jr.

*****

For more inspiring father and son parenting stories, tune into Bridging Identities: Parenting and Life Lessons with Bernard Lumpkin, from the latest season, and The Power and Limits of Tough Love with Kenneth C. Frazier, a favorite from a few seasons ago.

Thanks to Paramount and Seneca Women Podcast Network for their support, and thank YOU for listening.

Enjoy,